SORRY BUT I LOVE YOU
I hate myself for being
treated like no one. I feel everyone around me have forgotten that I am also a
human being just like everyone. My only mistake was falling in love with her.
So I want to ask everybody Is that a crime? If yes than I committed a blunder
because I use to love her, I still love her and I will love her till my last
breath.
When I was in school I use to
have few girlfriends but it was only because of competition among friends. If
one of our friends gets a girl, then we too had to get one. Back then,
Relationship was just a game for me. I knew neither meaning nor the definition
of love. I was just playing with someone else sentiments. When I was unaware
about love during the past, I was pretty happy but now when I realize the
meaning of love it leaves me with a pain in my heart and tear in my eyes.
Earlier I use to wonder why people cry too much in love. I always thought that if
it hurts too much than why don’t they simply quit the crazy thing called love? But
now I get the worth of tears and pain felt by that person in our life.
Though we can’t express the meaning of
love in words nor we can describe about love. What we can do is feel the warmth
and gentleness of love. A collection of words are never equal to the feeling of
being in love. Love does not mean spending every bits of time together or
sharing only good moment with each other. Love is the expression used when we
meet the person who morally supports our feelings and assist us during the
miseries and, the one who will love us for eternal. When we are in love we
share both happiness and sorrow together. We can do anything to bring cheer in
other person’s life. In love we don’t care about look or physical appearance, because
look and physical appearance fades away with which passing time, what we care
is about our own heart, how we feel with that person to whom we love so much.
Love does not seek selfish interest or personal benefits, in love we always give
prior to other person than oneself. In love we always try our best to be with
the person without considering about situation or the difficulties so that
he/she may not feel lonely during the times of need or adversities. In love we
multiply the happiness and during tribulation we divide the sorrow. When our
loving person is in pain or in dark, there we lend our hand so that we can show
that person other side of sorrow which is happiness.
Now everyone may have an inconvenient
thought like how does this nonsense/dumb knew so much about love. I came to
learn about love after joining this institution. I know that I am ridiculous,
senseless, and brainless. I admit that I don’t have any idea about timing. When
to speak and when to keep my mouth shut is out of capability. I even know that
we are going to be teacher soon so we have to be or act like an idol to others.
But what about our heart? Teachers are not a saint or priest so; can’t we just
do what our heart really wants even for once? I am aware of the prior rule of
this institution for the restriction to love or date. As we all know
obstructions and laws can be implied on action and body but not on the heart.
My heart and feeling is free from all kind of restriction, laws, rules and et cetera.
No one can control my heart or feelings, neither my parents nor the president.
I won’t even hear to god if he came down on earth to make restriction on my
heart. So beside me only the girl that I love can manipulate the life of mine.
Only the person whom I love has the approval to alter my feelings because this
feeling of mine is originated from her.
When I first joined this institution I
didn’t even knew her name neither I had any idea about her existence in this
world under the same sky of mine always guided by the same sun and moon. We
were a total stranger from two different worlds but destiny brought us
together. I can’t say that I fall for her with one glance of her face. Regardless
I fall for her gradually by understanding her. She wasn’t the most beautiful
girl form our college, but my heart knew that she is the one for me. Every
passing day I got to know about her additional quality which shook the base of
my heart and fell more for her. Despite the fact that I was not the best for
her but my heart already started liking her against which my mind started
convincing my heart not to think about her or to go closer to her. Yet my heart
was not ready to accept that and my heart went for her. I knew that I was not
the best for her but I can try my best to be the one who loves her sincerely. I
can take any path or task to be that person who can give her happiness and joy
always. During the time of her happiness I can share laughter with her and
during time of woe I can always lend my shoulder. Whenever she has to cross a
river of sorrow I can be the bridge for her. For the cause of her happiness I
can take all the pain and suffering. I know I don’t have anything to give
neither have wealth nor good looks. I don’t even know how to use filmy dialogues
to impress her. I can’t promise to bring the star for her nor can I write her
name on sky. But what I can guarantee is that she will be my apple of eye
forever. Even though I had a hectic day, when seeing her smiling I feel relieved
the weariness. Now when I give deep thought about it, her smile is the only
medicine which can cure all my diseases and pain.
I don’t know why it is so difficult to
get what I really wanted in my life. Whenever I move one step towards her, she
moves two steps further away from me. I don’t know why god made my fate so
pathetic. I think I am not good enough to have this kind of feeling for other.
Since feeling can only hurt her no matter what I do or what I want. So, I made
a conclusion that I have to ignore her so that I might get over my feeling
however nothing have ever worked cuz my feeling got even deeper. In order to
fill her heart with hatred, I started mistreating her. I did lots of things
which might hurt her really badly. I might have said some crude words which
could tear her heart into pieces that I realize now. I will never forgive
myself for being such a idiot for giving up on my love.
I know I am being coward and
running away from my only dream which I cherish so much. But when I think about
you and me together I always see you suffering which I don’t want at any cost.
I always wanted to see you smiling and happy which I can only give you by
erasing my existence from your life. However I just wish that our heart could
be like a pencil so whenever its nib got broken we can just use the sharpener
to regain the nib again but it is not same as for our feeling coz once we grow
to like someone I can’t step backward to dislike that person.. I am pretty much aware that it is going to be
very difficult for me to forget you but I have to do my best to do so, because
I have no other option to which I just wish that I could have some other
alternative so that I can be with you. But what to do my poor faith is not
allowing me to be with you. I don’t know I am so wretched and pitiable that I
can’t even afford to be with you. I feel helpless and more miserable than a
penniless bagger. In order to get rid of my feeling I treated you like trash
but while treating you like that I had suffered from several deaths which no
one see or hear. I led you suffer but while seeing you suffer I suffer even
more and I felt like heavy burden of sky is falling down on me I can’t resist
myself or endure that suffering. So, I started my marathon of running away from
you. But no matter how many miles I ran but at the end I end up coming closer
to you.
While I was trying my best to forget you at
that time something thing happened out of a blue by knowing which it alarmed my
heart and soul both. I was giving enough suffering but everyone other than me
too started accumulating the suffering for you and they too started treating
you like nothing which I hate the most. God knows that you have done nothing
wrong from any angle the one who wronged you was me. I hate myself for loving
you but I can’t help my feeling because my feelings are out of my league. I was fighting a fearful battle between my
heart and mind. My mind wanted to forget you while on the other hand my heart
wanted to keep you and embrace you. I
know that I am being gibberish by having a very precious thought in my poor
useless heart. But I made promised to myself to give happiness to you always. I
know that I did my best to do so but whatever I did to give happiness to you it
ends up by hurting you. I really don’t know have to face you or ask for
apologies from you for what I have done to you.
Now when I think about that bygone time
than I realize that foundation of my love for you was not that strong to take
the responsibilities therefore I stared running away from you. In love we give
happiness only but I gave you only suffering and pain. I never had courage to
love you the way you should be loved. Now I think it is too late to tell you this
entire thing and I even realize that I am not worthy to be loved. But what to
do my poor heart still did not realize the fact and it still feel for her. I
don’t know what is going to happen to us but I always wanted her to be happy
and I still wanted the same.
I wanted to ask for a favor from
everyone that don’t treat her badly because she had done nothing wrong. This
entire thing was started because of my feeling. So I hope after realizing the
truth you may neither treat her like a trash nor me as a different from rest of
you. I don’t know how to utter this thing but I really wanted to say is I am
really sorry for everything I have done to you but I still wanted to say I love
you.
TEH – AHM – OH
AISHITEIMASU
WO AI NI
TSARANG NAY….
Though different words are used in different
country to express love but meaning of those word is same which simply means
I love
you…
